Encountering God

It's been an emotional and crazy day for me.

If you've been reading my posts, you would have an overall feel for what's going on in my life right now. It honestly feels like a season finale, with conclusions to have, decisions to make, the factors to consider. I guess at the moment is the rising action to all of that, and the climax is heading my way. I just thought it would be a good time to just sit down and reflect on all that that I have been going through this past week and see how God has worked.

It all started Sunday, having to skip church and head to the African Lion Safari for my interview. I was really bummed out for missing church, but since they did end up calling (finally) last minute, I had to say yes, I couldn't turn something like that away, it'd just be wrong of me to do so if an opportunity presented itself before me. Going into the interview, my mindset was just yes yes yes yes, say yes to everything. Although deep down I didn't want this to be my summer and my future, I promised that I would still do my best, I wouldnt sabotage my own interview. So I said yes to working on holidays, said yes to all the questions they had for me. They said they'll call me by Friday if they want to offer me the job. When I finished, I thought "im done", I was so panicked before the interview, and I thought that once I finished and got it over with, I could move on and focus on other things.

But oh how wrong was I.

Spending the next few hours with my parents, driving and having them nag (well not really, it felt like it sometimes), about my two options between summer camp coordinator and being a tour guide at the ALS, it all became all the more real to me, and all the more overwhelming. I started to truly question and consider both jobs. The pay, the experience, the benefits, the responsibilities, the downfalls, the package that tags along, the environment, it wasn't merely just a simple "yes or no". The worst part is, as the day went on and as my parents continue to talk over each other, I realized that this situation I was in was basically a fork in the road. On one side read a sign saying "Wildlife Biology" and on the opposing side, there stood "Child and Youth Care". You may or may not know, I applied for both these programs last year, and I decided to go with science because it seemed more practical, but little did I know that decision would haunt and reappear a year down the road. The unsettling and most overwhelming question came up in my mind; was I in the wrong program?

I knew I had to share it with my parents to see what they would think, especially with course selection coming up, I couldn't just take another year of science if I were to switch. If I were to change, I would have to do it immediately. So now not only was my career and future in mind, but also my education and my parents' money were in jeopardy. It took me a while to pop the question to my parents, I was scared I'd get the beating, or they'd get angry for my poor decision, but instead, my dad just told me to think it through and change quick if I had to. I felt like deep down he was a bit disappointed, but im glad he didnt burst or implode. Could this get any more overwhelming?

My parents shared their opinions throughout the day as well, but every single time they would say "there's no right or wrong decision" "we'll support you in whatever decision you choose". I was amazed that they were so willing and so ready to let go, even when I wasn't! I think it was the ultimate parenting method, and it says a lot when they can truly let go and let their child make decisions for themselves. I really thank them for being so cool with that.

After they left for home, I returned to my second home, Guelph. Settling back into the swing of things, getting everything ready, there was a LOT running through my head that night. I started and tried to consider the different factors that came into play, living individually, being responsible, having to drive, the pay, the experience, all that jazz. I told quite a few people about it, and got some feedback. I think time I shouldnt though because all the opinions just added to the pressure, feeling like I was being tugged left right and centre.

Going through the week, things slowly got better and better. With midterms and presentations, I really didnt know how I was going to get through the week. But I slowly did, thanks to the prayers of those I told, and the advice and opinions I heard, I kept telling myself to trust God through it all. I have to be honest, Monday was a rough day, I felt like I was cracking under the pressure, it was SO MUCH.

Praise God I had set up an academic advising appointment on wednesday. I was so unsure about my program and changing majors and all, it was nice to sit one-on-one with the counsellor and just bombard with questions left right and centre. Long story short, I feel like the safest way is to just stick to Wildlife Biology, and I'll start shadowing Child and Family Studies and possibly declare a minor in it.

Towards the end of the week, wednesday and thursday, I had finally calmed myself down. It was only the phone call that was left. A phone call that would determine my summer. A phone call that would make or break me. A phone call that could free or enslave me (am I getting dramatic or what!?). I knew what I wanted deep down, I knew that I would much much much rather a summer in toronto, in the land of comfort, close to RHCCC, and be surrounded by people I love. I even started to think, "hmm what did I do in my interview that would cause them to not hire me? Oh! I wasnt really enthusiastic! Maybe they didnt like that about me!" At the same time, I started to look for more opportunities at home, thinking if i applied to more, I'd make reasons to stay back in Toronto. I applied to be a volunteer at the Toronto Zoo and I said to myself "if i do summer camp and get the volunteer job than its best of both worlds right?". By the end of Wednesday night, I was pretty much convinced that I wouldn't get the job, and i'd be home for the summer. Besides, wednesday night, they open from 8:30-4:30, i knew, "by 4:30 on Friday, I would be a free man." But if they called, I feel like I would have to/should take it. For one, i feel like if I didnt, i would disappoint all those who told me to take it. Secondly, I feel like I would just be a wimp for copping out of something just because I was uncomfortable, and lastly, this was a blessing from God, was I just going to reject that?

Thursday passed and still no phone call. It was a bit nerve-wracking because these two days (Thursday and Friday) were prime time. This would be the most probably days they would call me. Maybe they forgot me! How great would that be! Heading to bed calm and collected, I said my nightly prayer and snuggled up, ready to sleep in on my day off, not knowing i'd wake up the next day to the sounds of my vibrating phone.

9:48am. I dont remember if I was fully awake or not, but I remember hearing a repetitive noise, and I thought it was a text, or my alarm or something, but within a few seconds, it hit me. I propped myself up, turned around to see a call from "Unknown". "ugh this is actually happening, i wish i put my phone on the floor the night before so I wouldnt have heard it." This was it, my goodness, they called.

I picked up and of course, surprise surprise it was the African Lion Safari offering my the job as Tour Guide. We chatted for a bit, and I asked if I could get back to them, Monday morning was the time they gave me; I had three days to figure this all out, to potentially determine my summer plans. After hanging up, I crawled back under the sheets, and thoughts raced through my mind. Without a doubt, I immediately broke down, I was in tears, overwhelmed. I guess it finally became more real than ever that a decision has to be made. I talked to a few people about it, but I was still so shaken, flustered, and upset. That one phone call sent me back into that downward spiral I was in on Sunday, just when I recovered from it. What was going on? What was I going to do.

After a good hour of just lying there, thinking, prayer, talking and texting, I decided to get up. I had to pee, I was getting hungry, and I had a midterm the following day. But instead of doing any of that (well I went to pee), I immediately hit my 40 Days in The Word. It was nice starting it this week because as I did it throughout the week, the word was refreshing. It was nice to step away from my typical devos since it started to seem more like a routine than anything else, I couldnt get much out of it. The entire week, a constant theme kept popping up, "no matter the circumstances".

no matter the circumstances, to stay committed and faithful in Christ (day 1)

no matter the circumstances, to have Christ in mind, living for Him (day 2)

no matter the circumstances, to remember God is working in our lives, and we should align our hearts with his to please Him (day 3)

no matter the circumstances, we are called to live a life of love and righteousness, pressing on (day 4)

I remember clearly this morning I was scared to turn to Day 5, scared he'd tell me something I didnt want to hear, or push me in a direction I didnt want to go. But I flipped to the page and Philippiands 4:6 stood before me.

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. - Philippians 4:6

no matter the circumstances, do not worry, do not fear, but pray and be thankful presenting your requests to God (day 5)

how perfect was that? it was the perfect verse at the perfect time. God was truly speaking and working. I was reminded to be still, reminded that God is in full control, reminded to be joyful. So I tried, after devos I prayed and I thanked God for the situation I was in, and even though I had no idea what to do, He was there, with his sovereign hand, ready to lead me wherever he chooses. It didnt end there though.

Still not knowing what to do, I moved on in attempts to study. It was difficult with a major decision on my mind, but I ended up talking to one of my Guelph friends and I found out that she was staying in Guelph too for the summer. And within the hour or so we talked, something happened. Something big happened. I was suddenly calm, everything seemed to be much better, knowing there were going to be people here over the summer, that things were not going to be as bad as it seemed. I called the Safari back to get more details about scheduling and all, and found out that the process begins on March 31st, and that I would have 1-2 days off every week. She gave examples where they were consecutive so that means I could actually go home! Although things would start earlier and I would have trainings on weekends in April, I knew God would have everything planned out for me, I wasn't too afraid of that. I was just bummed to know March 31st was Easter weekend. "Really? God you want to push me that far eh?"

Anyways, me and my friend talked some more, and I checked out and read about the safari and the job more and more, and more I looked into it, the more excited I became. For once, i was actually excited for this. I saw the bus I would potentially drive, the boat I would cruise in and the train I would hoot in, and it became more and more real to me, I could be a Tour Guide at the African Lion Safari! Everyone I talked to about this always said how cool of a job it would be, and I never really realized it until today. I realized the good in the freedom I would have, driving to work, and just being around people. I started to think about all I would bring to the job "im gonna be so enthusiastic and be the best tour guide people have ever had, i'll never make my job routine and tedious, i'll always bring my personality to the job making sure everyone who comes on-board will be more satisfied and entertained". "I Surrender" by Jesus Culture came up on my iTunes, and I started to fully see and encounter God. I realized how BIG of a blessing this really was, the opportunity for someone to get their first job in a field they are in, to be supplied with endless networks and chances to get know people in the field, I realized how great this chance was. God loves me, so much, I was really sinking and drowning in his grace. What did i do to deserve this. I suddenly just had this positive mindset on things, and I was genuinely excited, it was a weird feeling, was I actually going to do this? Is this really happening? Am I going to accept the job? This was blowing my mind.

But going back to studying, an hour later, things changed, AGAIN. I started to re-consider, and started doubting, is this really the job for me, do I REALLY want to do this? Am I absolutely sure? I kept praying, and I asked God, if this is what you want me to do this summer, then give me one final sign. I want to be 100% sure this is what you want before accepting it. I wanted one last push so I could go in confidently knowing this was it.

My day had entirely flipped. I dont think i've experienced God in such a way before. Within 24 hours he spoke to me through his word, through song and through people. He was right there beside me, guiding my every move. I was completely moved and amazed. How great is our God, How great is He.

To be honest, deep down I feel like I knew this would end up happening. I just really didnt want to face it, I didnt want to go through with it. I told myself if this was the plan, that i'd go with it no matter how uncomfortable i would feel. But I tried to do everything in my own power to go against it, but God still put it right in front me on a silver platter. As I think about it, he's been working from the start. Throughout the week i've found and have been singing songs about letting go and letting God take over. Middle of Your Heart - For King and Country talks about giving everything up to God, trusting Him because he will do all things for good and out of love. Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United sang "spirit lead me where my faith is without borders", and I was praying that God would show me the way, that he could take me wherever I needed to go and I would follow. Friends have taught me to be just as Jesus' disciples to drop everything and go. That what my heart said and mind thought didnt matter, but God's listening that did. Prayer is powerful. But careful with what you pray for, God just might give it to you. And last but not least, the phone call. I did my application, I did my interview, it was all out of my control, and they called. God must have placed that there, there's nothing I could have done to have had them call me. Is that not big enough of a sign?

Here I am now, with only a few days left, I have to decide. I have a strong feeling that I will end up taking the job. I know it'll come with some crazy conflicts and situations but im ready. Im ready because God is by my side, and he has it all planned out. There is absolutely nothing to fear, because my God is in control. It has been a crazy week, and today was filled with several emotions, but God is good. He is so good, and all I can say is Praise The Lord.

Keep me in your prayers, a big decision will be made by the end of the weekend.

verse of the day: Jeremiah 29:11-13

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.