AGAPE Winter Retreat '12

"These people make me who i am. I love them from the bottom of my heart"

Its been eight, memorable, amazing, unforgettable retreats with my fellowship, and today just concluded our final one before we graduate.

To be honest, it didnt really hit me that this was it until the bus ride home. And i question myself, did i enjoy myself to the fullest? Did i let God speak to me and completely let him enter my heart?

But first, lets take it back. This is going to be a quite a messy post. Just saying.

Sessions. This time around, Calvin Lam came in and spoke to us, and he used the prodigal son parable as his message. The overarching theme was "Are You a Fan or a Follower of Christ?". Here are just a few of my quick notes.

- In the parable, it talks about a son that takes his portion of inheritance, runs away and wastes it until he hits rock bottom. He comes to realize that he was wrong, and wanted to return, in hopes his father would take him in as a servant, but to his surprise his father had a full on party for him, rejoicing and celebrating his return.

- Are we like the son? Running away? Personally, i shared that i think i may have strayed away, may have fallen without even knowing. I need to run back into his arms, knowing that he is a father that forever loves me and will provide for me.

That night, we had our own reflection time, a time with God and i really realized that i've messed up. I have and am continuing to fail to let go of the sins i struggle with. In the past, i've looked out to everyone and saw people with perfect lives, everything figured out, but now i've come to see that everyone has their own package of struggles and its amazing to see us all come together, to support each other in His name.

- we then talked about the second half of the parable, it was about the older son, and his side of the story. He was working with his dad the entire time, but when his brother returned home, he was frustrated and didnt realize why the son that betrayed the family received such a celebration. He built an attitude of selfishness. His brother had already took his portion, but when he comes back, his dad gave the younger brother the elder brother's ROBE, RING, FATTENED CALF. This all was rightfully his, but was used to celebrated his younger brother's return. He just didnt understand.

- are we like the elder brother? Selfish and unable to see past ourselves and our wants?

- reflecting on this, i can relate to it as well. Calvin said something that hit my heart: "selfishness will kill what God is trying to do within us".

- i shared with my small group that i felt that my faith was wavering, i felt lost in my faith and that it had plateaued, and i think this is it. My selfishness has hindered me from letting God work within me. For instance, newcomers. To be honest, i dont like talking to new people, i do it sometimes because i feel bad, and i feel like i have to, but i feel like its a bad sign when its not out of love. Selfish. Im thinking about myself first.

- i really challenge myself and others to break away from this selfishness, step out of their comfort zone and into the realm of others. Seeing their needs, besides your own.

- Luke 14:33 really hit me, it was from the devo. It says,

³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

- EVERYTHING. God wants us to give up EVERYTHING. Thats the requirement, and i cant yet, but im learning to. "Salvation is free, but discipleships costs everything".

Speaking of this selfishness. I felt like i was trying to break out a bit more this weekend. I tried to sit with new people, and i got to know the grade 10s and 11s better. I really wanted to get to know more people, but within 48 hours, its simply not possible. Again, its hard talking to newcomers, and sacrificing something you want (ex. friends) for someone else. I have a friend who I look up to because he's so sweet, caring, gentle and welcoming. He's been that person that has gone out and spoke to me when i was alone, and he's reminded me that im important and someone cares. He sets a great example of putting their own wants behind and putting others before them. This same friend told me this morning how excited he was to be in my small group, looking forward to my sharing and what i had to say, but he was disappointed (i guess you can say) on how quiet i was. To be completely honest, that hit me really hard. I knew that he looked up to me, and to hear that, i felt like i failed him, disappointed him. I never knew anyone would look at me that way, so with that, i was motivated to open up even more, and share at the session this morning. Im hoping that through my sharing, it would help the younger grades open up more. They may be shy, but im hoping that through all this, they can learn to share as well. I remember how difficult, awkward, and shy it was when it came to sharing.

Retreat always comes with tears, laughter, joy, and memories. Whether if it may be the UFC championships that go on in the boys cabin, the intimate talks we have with each other in our grades, or the competitive atmosphere that comes with group games, retreat has always meant a lot to me. Thinking about it now, knowing that this is the end, that this weekend was the final weekend, im sad that its all over. I wont be able to have another moment like a moment at retreat with all 190+ people. Im truly grateful and blessed for everyone i've met, and i remember on the bus ride home, looking back and seeing all the grade 12s, how they've grown, how they've matured, it was like watching flowers bloom. You can pick out the artistic ones, the loud ones, the dramatic ones, the musical ones, the list goes on. You can clearly see that God pieced each and everyone of us together to make up this group of seventeen/eighteen year olds. Im thankful for all of them. They've impacted me, and have definitely molded me and have made me who i am.

Was this final retreat, epic, and big? No, it was a typical retreat, but thats all i need.

verse of the day: Luke 14:33

³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.