to realize:
to grasp or understand clearly. (dictionary.com)
Today was a moment of realization. Going through life, remembering Christ's death on the cross, facing temptations. Today i fell into temptation but the worst part is that for the past weeks and months i have realized that i pretty much have all the power to resist and avoid it, but... the problem is, im not doing it. im clinging on. i dont want to let go. i dont want to completely go against it. Why is that? Why am i like this?
The past month, i've struggled so hard with my AGAPE leaders. I feel like i've planned everything, i've done all i can do and the last bit is for them to do it. Do what needs to be done. Make questions. Make answers. Pick passages. But the thing is... no one is doing it. Why is that? It actually FUMES ME sometimes. Whats the problem? Its so frustrating because there's literally NOTHING LEFT i can do except for remind them. And nothing. It also sucks because i prepare all this stuff and... nothing. Its like it was all a waste of my time.
Now here's the interesting part. Today after falling into the dark grasp of sin, i prayed. prayed. prayed. and prayed. I was so guilty. i was so unworthy. i was so... lost. I questioned why im like this. I asked what was wrong with me. I knew what disgusting state i was in as a sinner. I reflected upon my actions. Asked all these questions. and confessed. Until it hit me.
They parallel.
The fact that i was going through the frustrations with my leaders COMPLETELY paralleled my life with Christ. I would symbolize God, the fact that i have prepared EVERY SINGLE THING for them, they just have to take that last step. The fact that God has given us everything. The clothes. The food. The water. The friends. The things we need. The things we want. But most importantly, His unconditional love and SALVATION.
Whereas the leaders symbolize ME. The fact that God placed all this out in front of my on a gold platter, but i dont take it. I dont take the step. I couldnt believe it. It was like God gave me an experience for me to feel his side. How frustrating it is for Him when His children turn away, dont listen, and dont take that last step. And i completely understand. The food is right in front of your mouth. Just open it. But i dont.
Whats wrong with me. Moment of Realization. Praise God.
20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with them, and they with me.
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