Works in Progress

The LORD taught me a very simple lesson in service today. 

We talked a lot about surrender this morning. Surrendering your mind, heart and life to God. It was a convicting message to be thinking about how surrendering relates to worship, the idols I have in my life, the fear of losing and the greed of having. A big statement that stuck with me was "have we become a people of commitment or surrender?" (which I still need to ponder over).

I found that I saw the message as if it was a checklist before me with three categories - "what I had done", "what I was doing" and "what I had to do". And many times, I know that I dwell heavily on the "what I had to do" category. What could I improve on? What was I missing? How can I get closer to this goal - in the context of this morning; complete and full surrender to God.

I noted that I needed to be in the Word more often to understand God's character and nature more - who exactly was I surrendering to? I noted the different loves in my heart; which ones I had to get rid of so that Jesus was my only love. I noted that I sometimes felt like I served without joy; did I see serving as a means of approval by others, and maybe even God himself? Did I see serving for my own recognition, praise and adoration? or did I serve with gladness and joy? All aspects and points on what I wasn't doing, what I was doing wrong, and what I had to change.

As I thought about my own criticisms I thought, "am I putting too much pressure on myself?" "Am I beating myself up too much, expecting myself to be perfect?" Even in my own personal struggles with sin, in the midst of failure, I think to myself, "why hasn't this been overcome yet?" "why have you failed again?"

Reflecting on all this, I spent some time thinking about how I saw my relationship with God, switching from God and man, to Father and son. And with that I heard him say to me with gentleness and compassion, "you need to be okay with being a work in progress".

I knew that God the Father was sanctifying me and was working slowly within me, but I often felt that because I wasn't there yet, I wasn't "good enough". I think often times I get caught up with end goal, and though unattainable until Jesus comes again, I guess the distance between where I was and the destination bothered me. To an extent, I think it is a good thought and frustration to feel - I think and have learnt the importance of be uncomfortable and discontent with where one are. It should lead to pushing yourself to continue progressing. In fact, I would almost say its dangerous if you ever felt content with where you were, as if everything was fine.

Because on one hand, I could feel horrible, I could beat myself up, and fear that my sin and brokenness is unforgivable; potentially resulting in running away from God, whereas on the flip side, I could feel completely fine, taking God's grace, love and forgiveness for granted yet not feeling the gravity of my sin, and the need to repent and pursue holiness and growth. Both sides are dangerous to be on, and it's key that we find a balance between them, but that balance will be uncomfortable - there will an ongoing tension, a pull and a push between the two sides, understanding God's grace and that we have been forgiven, yet also truly understanding one's sin and genuinely working towards repenting from it.

The reality is, we are not perfect, and we are sinful in our nature - we will fall short of God's glory, but we must hold firm to the promise that the LORD is working in us, sanctifying us - on his own terms and timetable. It most likely won't be according to our fast-paced immediate gratification-focused society and culture - it will be slow and uncomfortable, but He is working and we must not forget that.

We are all works in progresses - and even though we may not be there yet, and as uncomfortable as it is - whether if it's battling sin, or if it's the things we're convicted of - we need to be okay with the tension, because God, who loves you and I unconditionally, no more and no less, is refining us and is slowly transforming us to become more and more like Him.

Just realized that I made a very very similar post at the beginning of the year... as you can see the tension goes on - and that's okay!