The Fear of Losing

Is there anything you can't afford to lose? Is there anything in your life, if it were to be taken away, that would just destroy and devastate you?

I remember a while back, there was sermon I remember listening to about worship and idolatry, and our pastor narrowed it down to two main root idols, 'the greed of having' and 'the fear of losing'. Now although the term 'idol' isn't used much nowadays and it's easy to just think its just a statue someone worships (which is not very common anymore), - the truth is, idols can be manifested in other things as well and are just as prevalent, if not even more prevalent today than ever before. An idol can be defined as anything you put before God. Video games, YouTube, your social status, comfort, your friendships, your significant other - pretty much anything and everything can become an idol.

And to be frank, whenever I think of idolatry, I think 'nah, I don't have any significant idols in my life' - but most recently God has really revealed to me that as I enter and continue to walk through this transition between university and the working adult life, there's quite a bit that holding onto too dearly, a few things that I am fearful of losing.

As I go and discern where God may be leading to next, i've really been coming to the conclusion that I truly desire to stay in Guelph long-term. I love the environment here, I love the scripturally and theologically solid church I've found myself in, I love the relationships that i've been building, it's all so good and I praise God that He has provided me with so much. But as I begin to think about what's next, I wrestle with the idea of saying goodbye and letting go of the current season i'm in. Why leave something that is so good?

A few weeks back, my friend shared with me that sometimes as we discern God's will, sometimes God may turn the question on us and ask "what do you desire?", and since then, that's all i've been thinking and praying about. Genuinely expressing my deep desire to stay here in Guelph. But as I reflect more and more, I begin to wonder, am I still just strongly expressing my desire to the LORD, or am I beginning to impose my will and not listen to where He may call me (ie. home, elsewhere)? Now that's dangerous line to cross.

It's true, even good things can become bad when idolized - and especially being a people person, I hold relationships very close to my heart. And there's one that i've specifically been so thankful for, one that has brought me so much joy and sanctification, one that's really shown me God's love (and I praise God for that!) And so, whenever I think of the handful of times I may have left with them as graduation nears - it bothers me and I feel more and more heavy-hearted. But it also pushes me to truly treasure the time I have left with them. I have learnt and have experienced so much through this relationship and at the end of the day, it really just boils down to the fact that I don't want to say goodbye. It's actually also made me realize how deceitful the heart really is, as Jeremiah 17:9 tells us. I find myself trying to think of ways to stay, this and that - i'm basically just trying to cross that line, to imposing my desires and my will over the will of the LORD Almighty. This is idolatry.

That all being said, I still do rejoice because many times the Holy Spirit has helped me to see beyond just the relationship and see God at work through the relationship for my good and sanctification. Reminding me that all glory goes back to our good Father.

This conviction continues to resonate as I memorize Colossians 3:1-17 during lent. It tells us put off idolatry, among with many other things, for on account of these things the wrath of God is coming. This is sin, and it requires repentance, to turn from all idols and to turn to serve the true and living God. And especially with this transition, I must remember that discipleship comes before friendship - I need to be ready and willing to go wherever He calls me, no matter what the implications are!

LORD, I pray that you would help me to seek you first before anything else. I give thanks and give you praise for all the good things you have given me, community, love, friendship - but may I not see any of these as greater and more satisfying that you. Thank you for convicting my heart, and forgive me for when i've idolized the good things you've given me. Help me to continually turn to you each and everyday, and may you work in my heart so that I would find my full joy and satisfaction in you and you alone. Amen.