Looking In The Wrong Places

I'm not even sure how to begin describing my "social life" throughout my childhood. I do know that I was a 'floater', meaning that I knew everyone but I never really knew anyone. I remember the high school cliques, and never really finding a place to fit in. I never found the true and deep sense of belonging and community that we all crave for (cause we're designed for it!). And as I think about it, I feel that this could be why i've always struggled with finding intimacy; relational intimacy. I remember as a kid, I would pray asking that God would give me a friend who I would be able to "share all our happy and sad times together" - meaning nothing held back, just a completely open and honest friendship. I even remember thinking and putting that standard on some of my friends mentally back in elementary school and high school (they didn't know... I think) - and I wasn't going to get 'no' for an answer. I wanted so-and-so to be that friend and I was going to do whatever it took to get there.

Years and years passed and with no success, I slowly started to learn how to let go of this "perfect friendship". But even as I reflect on it today - as much as I have progressed in leaving it behind, I think a part of me continues to hold on. And finally after what could potentially be 12 or more years, God helped me realize something this morning during my devotions.

"all my longings lie open before you, LORD;

my sighing is not hidden from you" 

- Psalm 38:9 

All my life, i've been seeking something out in the wrong place. I tried to seek this "ideal and perfect" friendship with people - thinking that if I got it, I would be happy, I would feel loved - but no, I realized I should have sought for this in Christ all along.

All my longings lie open before you - all my desires of my heart - I could present them all to God without shame, without embarrassment, my longings lie open like a book before a mighty and loving Father.

My sighing is not hidden from you - my struggles, my hardships, my tribulations, my anguish - my Heavenly Father knows it all, and I can cast it all upon him because He cares for me.

Just look at how intimate our relationship with God can be! I've been dreaming of someone whom I could share these things to, so openly and vulnerably, and God the Father has been there all along, waiting, and reaching out to me. I remember in Sunday School and learning "Jesus is your friend" - what a simple lesson that we all have probably learned, but why did think that I could seek out a friend who could be a better friend than Jesus himself? First, all our relationships will fail - because of sin and our wicked nature; second, Jesus knows our hearts, He is God, and God created us intricately and uniquely - who knows you better than your Creator himself?!

I feel so behind in learning this lesson, but oh the things I have to tell my LORD! He will lend His ear to me, He will care and love me, He pursues me when I am unfaithful, He purchases me even though I am unworthy and He purifies me, the ungodly, - O behold the love of our God!