My Dead Heart

O great God of highest heaven

Occupy my lowly heart

Own it all and reign supreme

Conquer every rebel power

Let no vice or sin remain

That resists Your holy war

You have loved and purchased me

Make me Yours forever

I ran into a problem at the subway terminal last week; we were heading to the aquarium downtown, and as my brother and my aunt passed through the gate easy, I went to tap my Presto card to get in, and it didn't work. I tried again, nothing. No response. Later on, I went to troubleshoot and it turns out that my presto card was unresponsive, it was defective, it was dead.

As I reflect on how I've been feeling the past few weeks, I thought and paralleled it to this instance; my heart was dead. By dead I meant unresponsive; I found myself not feeling anything, specifically towards God. My prayers were empty words, I found myself singing, but not worshipping at service on Sunday. Why didn't I feel anything? Why was my heart dead? Why wasn't I singing praises out of a joy and love for God? Why wasn't I moved by anything I believed?

This all started to make me think of where I was in my faith. What did this mean for me? Sharing testimonies usually consisted of your life before Christ, how one came to know Christ, and then your changed life after Christ. How has my life changed after knowing Christ? Did it change at all considering I wasn't feeling anything? I often like to put the blame on the fact that I was raised in the church; I knew all the stories and all the answers; I knew that Jesus loved me, I knew that Jesus died on the cross for me, I knew that our sin had a penalty of death, I knew that Jesus forgives, I knew that Jesus saves us from our sins through the shedding of his blood. I knew it all, but again, I could say all these things out loud and it just didn't do anything for me. Don't get me wrong, I 100% believe that this is all true, but it bothers me that I am so unresponsive to it. We always hear that when Jesus enters your life, your life is changed and transformed - does that mean I wasn't? Then again, I came to  know Jesus as a child, so it's hard to say what my life before Christ was considering I was only five years old or something, but that doesn't mean you don't get transformed right?

Now I do feel like this seems like i'm just looking for an emotional high, which I hope isn't what i'm looking for, but again, what I continue to wonder is the impact of the gospel on my life. The gospel is the good news, in fact it should be the best news anyone ever hears, yet when something comes up in life, a job opportunity, or a tv series finale, and I get genuinely excited over it, it doesn't sit right with me when I realize that i'm not even close to being as excited for the gospel. That isn't right, there's clearly something out of order there, right? For something that should be the most amazing and transforming thing in the world, should it not move us to some sort of outward expression? how much has the gospel impacted your life? As something that should be at the forefront of our minds, something that we who claim to believe in Jesus live by, how has it transformed you and how has it taken root in every aspect and part of your life?

As I continued to reflect on my situation, I've realized that it wasn't Him, it was me. Then again, when is God ever the problem? In no way is God in the wrong, I believe and know that He is exactly who He says He is. He is good, when there's nothing good in me, He loves us, even when I don't love Him back, and He is faithful when I am faithless. But with the doubting of my faith, and the sin that I've been struggling with, it's been a very dry season. It's been a difficult task to choose God on the regular.

For the first time this morning, I woke up and I felt like I was at a crossroads, I felt like I had to choose God or the world - and my mind knew that choosing God was obviously the right choice, but my heart wanted otherwise. What do you do when you don't genuinely want to choose God? What do you do when you don't genuinely love God? What do you do when you don't delight in his commands and find them burdensome instead? Do you just force yourself to love, to obey, to choose?

To be quite honest, sometimes after hearing of all those stories of people who fell from God and how He rescued them from their darkness, I think to myself; is that something that has yet/needs to happen in my life? As if God wants me to not choose Him so that he'll use that to bring me back after i've fallen hard? Is that ridiculous? He wouldn't do that right?

Or was I feeling dry because I was drawing away from God because I felt too shameful in my sin? Because I felt that I myself wouldn't even forgive myself for all the times I've taken his grace cheaply rather than costly? Because I was discouraged that I couldn't figure myself out?

I don't know, I feel like there is so much to sort out in my mind. I do know that it does require the Holy Spirit to work within me to help me to desire and love God more, I do know that there is nothing that God cannot forgive, and I do know that this won't happen overnight. I'm sure God wants me to wrestle through this, but I feel pressure to figure this out soon because I think this will be even more difficult as I try to lead a fellowship while wrestling through this in a few weeks.

Well, this is where i'm at. It does bother me a bit that this is one of those posts that I don't have an answer to. But I was reminded today that although the Kingdom of Darkness, that is this world, seems prosperous, booming and flashy, it will eventually fade, whereas the Kingdom of God, though seemingly small and insignificant now, will reign and last forever. As hard as it is, I hope that I will continue to persevere, choose God and to live faithfully, even in the hard, and I pray that his commands will become delights rather than burdens to me.

"restore to me the joy of your salvation, 

and uphold to me a willing spirit." 

- Psalm 51:12

Help me now to live a life

That's dependent on Your grace

Keep my heart and guard my soul

From the evils that I face

You are worthy to be praise

With my every thought and deed

O great God of highest heaven

Glorify Your Name through me