Two Steps Backward

This past week, things took a turn at work.

If you don't know, this summer I am working as an Animal Handler and Educator in Etobicoke, and it's been crazy to think that God has helped me land what I think could potentially be my dream job. As I began my time there, the goal was to work and be trained towards being approved to be a team lead; meaning that I could go and do educational animal shows all on my own.

To me, it has been quite difficult for me to track my progress; I knew that I was entering the final stages of approval where I had to go on a show with the head staff; the two co-owners and a supervisor, and do an entire presentation on my own. But as the summer months kicked in, I assumed that things got a bit busier and I wasn't sure if there was going to be time to get them all to take time out of their busy schedules for one simple approval.

But this past Tuesday I got a long message from the head staff as they checked in with each employee to see where they were at. Long story short, they felt that I had lacked certain qualities for them to feel comfortable with me going on shows alone; qualities that would be improved with time and experience, such as attentiveness and awareness. From their message, it told me that I would be taken off the priority list for training to be a team lead, and I would potentially get reduced hours as hours would first go to individuals in training before the other second handlers.

It was definitely discouraging to hear that, but I responded as professionally as I could, thanking them for their feedback and that I would take the feedback to heart and work hard to improve.

The next day, I was called into work because someone was sick. I had not been scheduled for work at all last week so I was more than happy to go in and I was pumped to show that I could totally be super aware of my surroundings. Getting to work, I found out that I took my friend's spot (one who is being trained to become a team lead) for a two person show, and my friend got bumped to sub in for the individual who was sick, and she got to go do the shows all by herself. I had nothing against her or anyone, but i'll be honest and say that it felt like a bit of a smack in the face, that she moved two steps forward while I moved two steps back.

Regardless, I was ready to ace my shows and do my best that day. And although the shows went really well, I ended up spending the entire day dwelling on the message from the day before. I thought to myself, "am I not good enough?" "do they regret hiring me now?" "will they just forget about me and not train me?" "what now?". My mind was ridden with worries, questions and negativity.

But one thing I wrestled with was how I should and can respond, especially in a God-honoring way. Is it right to just submit and accept the reality that was placed before me? Or was there anything wrong with reasonably pushing back? (pushing back meaning asking for a second chance)

I ended up talking it out with a friend and I decided to ask for a second chance; there really wasn't anything to lose, if they said no, then fine, if they said yes, then great! I had felt that over the past few months, I have asked for feedback and have worked at it and have improved, so I was confident that with the new feedback they gave me, I could do just the same and improve if I was given the opportunity and the chances to. I think the main thing that bothered me was that it was the first time I was given such clear feedback and it helped me realize how crucial this feedback was for me to qualify as a team lead, yet their decision was such an immediate cut from training and hours given.

So I "pushed back" and they responded with a more detailed and example ridden message of why they still thing I am unable to qualify to be a team lead this summer. So it is what it is.

Within the span of the three days this all unfolded, I got a chance to reflect on what God was trying to teach me and I got the opportunity to share these struggles with others and hear their thoughts. I was very encouraged by their support, care and responses. So with this long-winded story, here's what i've concluded and this is where i'm at now.

You're Not In Control
I think from the beginning, I was learning lessons to surrender my career to God. I could see myself trying to do everything that I could to control whatever desirable outcome I wanted. If people liked me, I could stay. If I showed that I was a hard worker, they would hire me again. If I could become a team lead, then I would be less expendable. I know that if I continued to be stubborn and did not give my career and my life over to God, then He would continue to break me down until I had no choice but to rely on Him, or until I would learn my lesson. The reality is that I won't become a team lead this summer; i've even tried to push back already, but that's all I can do, nothing else. Now I just have to trust and wait on the LORD. He is faithful! He cares for his people! He is sovereign! He wouldn't just leave you in the dust! I learnt (and am still learning) that I am not in control, in fact, I was never in control.

Think Positive and Be Thankful
Instead of dwelling on the negatives and beating myself up, I really need to combat that with thanksgiving. I'm thankful that by God's lavishing grace, i've landed what-I-think is my dream job before i've even graduated. I'm thankful that I wasn't fired; that message could've been much worse. I'm thankful that i'm not a team lead yet because it gives me more time to focus on my online course this summer and planning for fellowship next year. I'm thankful that I've been given such an opportunity where there is so much exposure, so much experience when it comes to public speaking, animal handling and interaction; i'm almost 100% sure that no where else would have allowed a young and inexperienced individual handle and touch almost every animal. I'm thankful that the staff are even willing to give me feedback and pointers that I can be aware of and can work on. I'm thankful for such understanding and supportive friends when I share my thoughts and my struggles. There is always more to be thankful for and something worth rejoicing in.

Extend Yourself Some Grace
I put a lot of pressure on myself and on this job this summer. Usually with summer jobs, you work and then you leave, you probably don't plan on returning. But getting this job, a job that I wanted to stay at in the long run, I wanted to do everything I could to build an incentive to be hired again or to be liked by co-workers. But the reality is, I am a 20 year old student who has had barely to no experience in animal handling and education; of course it's expected that I won't be perfect the first time around and that there will be things to work on! My friend shared that she feels that God gets heart-broken when He sees us beating ourselves up and just wants to tell us that "its okay! I love you and you'll do better next time!". God is continuously rooting for us and is on our side.

Step Back and Look At The Bigger Picture
My friend also reminded me that I shouldn't be so focused on the details of the now, but rather to zoom out and think of the greater purpose and reason behind this experience. Why did God place me here this summer? Where does this fit in the entire spectrum of things? Was it to learn how to be a light in the workplace for co-workers? Was it to reassure my career path with animals? Was it build my love for education/teaching children? There is so much more to it all this than the now, and sometimes it can be destructive to be see life through a microscope.

So yes, this week may have took a turn in a direction I wasn't hoping for or expecting at work, but may we hold onto the truth that God is good and that He is in complete and full control of all things. Thank you for taking the time to read all this if you did.