Sovereign Shambles

Well this might just be a ramble, but rambling can be good sometimes; just to let out your thoughts or to organize them. So here we go, this past week was a struggle. Actually, thinking back the month of February was a ride in itself! Where do I even begin? 

So this past week was filled with school work, I had three midterms to write, and in the back of my mind I was thinking about what was to come in March, three papers, a massive final group project, and two other midterms. On top of that, I think I was having a bit of a tough time transitioning back to Guelph from home; I was missing my parents, and I had realized how much they love me through their provision and care, from the bbq pork I had in the fridge, to the long drives they were willing to take to drop me off back in Guelph (of course, this is only realized when they aren't around). And on top of that, as the planner I am, I had already been thinking of the future, plans for next year, new fellowship program ideas, this and that, that and this. There was plenty on my mind, and if I couldn't keep track of it all there, I had most of it written on sticky notes scattered over my phone, my computer and my walls.

Having all this build up in the previous weeks, I felt like I was reaching my limit, and it got to the point where it felt like I couldn't breathe. Thoughts would race through my head every second of the day, I couldn't focus, I couldn't study, I couldn't even rest! On my sabbath last sunday, all I thought of was all the work I could be doing to better prepare myself for the midterms that were ahead. I remember for the first half of the week, the only time I had felt at peace was when I was asleep. I remember waking up one morning and the moment I opened my eyes, my mind flooded with an endless list of the things I had to get done that day. 

The stress affected my confidence in myself as well, I felt so discouraged by my inabilities and it pushed me to think of my inadequacies; I questioned my ability to serve again in the fellowship next year, whether or not i should withdraw or tap out, but I told myself to push through it, the one thing I was confident about were that these thoughts and doubts were only temporary and were only because of the situation I was in. 

I am thankful though. I got to have a phone call with a friend one night and he reminded me to not worry so much, to "not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself" (Matthew 6:34). He was right, there were things I didn't even need to think about yet that I was constantly thinking about. 

In my helpless state, I turned to prayer. And LORD would you forgive me for not turning to you first! Why don't we ever go to the faithful one first, to the one who holds our lives in his hands when we're in trouble and in need? It reminded me of my transition to university in first year, where I became so dependent on God that in-between classes, I went straight to my room and prayed for strength to get me through the day before I did anything else. I prayed that the LORD would grant me peace, and also that the LORD would keep me from sin. And Praise God, he did. 

Now being on the other side of it all, i'm feeling much better. It was a very simple lesson that God was teaching me; to rely on Him. God is the one ultimately in control, and as much as I plan out my life, prepare for the worst, or schedule my time, God is the one orchestrating each and every moment. Even when life seems like a complete mess on a canvas sometimes, have faith that each stroke is painted by a sovereign God.