Relief from Introspection

Back in January, I had the privilege to attend my first ever Sovereign Grace Conference, the Relay Conference for young adults. I loved being able to see the Sovereign Grace culture played out in its international realm, be it the glorious worshipping with the saints, or the charismatic threads in the prophetic songs and visions that were given. 

Most conferences have a bookshop with much to peruse and on the extra long 10 hour bus ride home, one of the books, Think Again by Jared Mellinger was shared with me. My housemate had a copy and the read was life-altering. 

Here's a quick summary of the book;

"Being mindful about who you are and what you are doing isn't necessarily a bad thing. Evaluating yourself is necessary and can lead to positive change. But what about the dark side of introspection? Do you ever feel weighed down and exhausted by your own self analysis? Jared Mellinger, a pastor and self-confessed struggler with introspection, holds out the hope of the gospel for those who overdose on introspection. The only long-term solution to thinking too much about ourselves is when our attention is drawn away from ourselves and Jesus fills our mind's eye."

I too, am one that has always been quick to self-examine and critique; be it after I step off the ice from practice, or after the last student leaves the classroom for the day. I scrutinize the things I say to people and often will overthink on their behalf as I identify all the different ways it might have been perceived. We are taught in the scriptures and from the pulpit to regularly examine ourselves, to see if there is any offensive way in us. For years, I would mull over and micro-analyze every sin, it's origins and manifestations, in hopes that I would find the answer to be freed from it - however, I did not realize that there were unhelpful and dishonouring ways to go about introspection and reflection. 

"Our daily awareness of sin, weakness and ineffectiveness leaves us disheartened. Self-accusations are relentless. We go through the day largely unaware of the beauty that God sees in us and in our good works. Then we go to bed at night exhausted, with false guilt and real guilt jumbled together, with our hearts and minds flooded with the experiences of the day, and with a general sense that we are failing in a lot of things."

"The reason we are so preoccupied with ourselves, Llyod-Jones says, is because we are not sufficiently occupied with Christ. "There is only one way to get rid of self, and that is that you should become so absorbed in someone or something else that you have no time to think about yourself."

I've shared with others that I've realized how often and how easily I can identify the ways that I have failed to be obedient or failed to honour God, but yet I cannot and would not dare to try to identify the ways that I honour God. Yet, Mellinger encourages us to celebrate and rejoice in even the tiniest acts of obedience - because it reveals and gives glory to God for his active and present work in us. We actually see Paul often do this in his letters when he gives thanks to God for the faith and love displayed in the churches he writes to. It has been encouraging to identify how I've honoured God throughout the day, and I've especially enjoyed carefully considering how I might point out evidences of God's grace and work in the lives of my friends and family, as a means to encourage and impart grace to them. Too often, we are focused on the deficiencies of ourselves and others, rather than the growth God has given. 

Since the beginning of the year, I have also tried to actively affix my gaze and redirect my thoughts on Christ himself and his attributes. I want to stop giving so much attention to my sin, and rather focus on the beauty and character of Christ and all he has to offer. His delight in me, the forgiveness of sins, his perfect justice, his holy wrath, his abundant grace and merciful disposition towards me. I've noticed that as I have done this, my joy has increased and become more stable - no longer dependent on my works, my circumstances or my ability to be obedient but rather on my everlasting and unchanging Saviour. 

"It is better for you and me to be admiring the compassion and fullness of grace that is in our Saviour, than to dwell and pore too much upon our own poverty and vileness." - John Newton

Another simple way I've gleaned from Think Again that helps me fight unhealthy introspection is with the words "that was fun!" In the book, Mellinger gives an example where a pastor sat down next to him after a sermon and described it as "fun". Boggled by the response, the author shares that he would have immediately jumped to all the mistakes or insufficiencies of his attempt at bringing God's word, but unhealthy and unhelpful introspection actually robs the joy of the great gifts that God blesses us with. I can enjoy my figure skating much more when I step off the ice and say "that was fun", though knowing it wasn't perfect. I can enjoy the gifts of teaching and relationship building, travelling and vacation and quality time with friends, if I come away with a "that was fun" mindset rather than an overtly introspective mindset. 

Don't get me wrong, reflection and self-examination are important. But it is meant to be done sparingly. It isn't required every single day. It is meant to be done intentionally. Have a goal or specific questions you want to ask or address. It is meant to be done briefly. Set aside time, after the matter, and when you're done, move on. It should produce greater trust in Christ, greater joy and greater humility. If it leads to self-pity and discouragement, it is not healthy or helpful. 

"The more we are discouraged, the less we rejoice in the Lord, the more we are weakened for duty." - J. I. Packer

There is much more I can say, but I'll leave it there for now. I highly recommend this book to the overthinker or the easily discouraged in your life. May God's grace use it to rewire and relieve you from the burden of introspection.